Some couples stay together forever until they get old. Others move from one relationship to another faster than they change clothes.
Finding your better half is not entirely about luck. There’s a lot that goes into nurturing an authentic relationship.
But romantic love is often a confusing experience for many people. It can involve different types of emotions and emotional responses, and understanding whether you are in a relationship for the right reason can be fairly tricky.
For instance, if you constantly seek public displays of affection (PDA) from your partner, feel anxious to discover something you might not know about them, or regularly try to please them, what does it say about your relationship? Are you really in love or just longing for attachment?
We explore the answers to these questions so you can define true love and identify attachment-related behaviors that prevent you from finding your soul mate.
Table of Contents
What Being in Love Is All About
Love is “an emotion characterized by strong feelings of affection for another arising out of kinship, companionship, admiration, or benevolence. In a related sense, “love” designates a benevolent concern for the good or welfare of others,” says Britannica.
The American Psychological Association describes love as “a complex emotion involving strong feelings of affection and tenderness for the love object, pleasurable sensations in their presence, devotion to their well-being, and sensitivity to their reactions to oneself”.
All of these have a single underlying theme—care and affection toward another person.
When you are in love, you develop a fondness for your partner and act for their well-being. Their presence can make you happy, but you don’t necessarily depend on them to be happy.
In other words, love is much more stable and longer-lasting, not something that comes and goes based on changing circumstances.
How Attachment Is Different From Love
Unlike when being in love, when you form an attachment toward someone, the focus is on yourself or rather, how they make you feel.
As a result, you would rely on your partner for happiness, security, and emotional comfort. If you think they no longer provide these, you could feel anxious, leave them, or take steps to ensure they provide what you need (say, by demanding PDA).
Now, sometimes, a person could form a healthy or secure attachment, too, which can later lead to a loving relationship. The problem is with insecure attachment styles like,
- Anxious attachment, where you continually worry about losing your partner’s love and affection.
- Avoidant attachment, where you don’t quite trust your partner, avoid getting too close to them, or struggle to fully open up or be at ease with them.
- Disorganized attachment, which involves unpredictable and sporadic behaviors and emotional responses.
The kind of attachment you form with someone is usually an outcome of childhood experiences. Anyhow, the above three types can sabotage your relationships and bring about destructive behaviors that don’t serve you or your better half.
Top Signs You Are Attached to Your Partner and Not in Love
So, is there a way to know whether what you feel is love or an emotional attachment toward your spouse?
Here are the top signs that may signal you are experiencing the latter.
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Feeling Anxious and Insecure
Couples in love are at complete ease in each other’s presence. If your relationship constantly makes you feel edgy, it is a definite red flag that what you have is more an insecure attachment than genuine love.
It is in these kinds of romantic relationships that people often struggle with trust issues (for no apparent reasons) or get easily jealous when their better half interacts with the opposite sex.
Insecurity can also manifest in needy behaviors, like seeking attention, reassurance, and validation or developing separation anxiety.
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Overdependence on Your Partner for Personal Happiness
When you fall in love, it is natural to feel happy. But your relationship or your partner should not be the primary source of your happiness and self-worth.
If your spouse’s actions and responses regularly determine your emotional state, then it is likely you have formed an unhealthy attachment toward them instead of being in love.
But when you are the source of your own happiness, you will feel a sense of contentment, comfort, and security, which others will not be able to take away from you. A romantic relationship will only add to that joy, and you could nurture it further by sharing with your partner the love and happiness you naturally feel.
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Overpleasing Behaviors
Anxious attachment can lead to codependency, where you frequently try to please your partner, putting their needs ahead of yours for the wrong reasons.
You could hold back your own needs, feelings, and interests in fear of losing your better half, being rejected by them, or facing conflict. For example, you might dress the way they like, change your personal interests to align with your spouse’s, and neglect your personal goals to prioritize theirs.
It is easy to lose your identity and self-worth in such a scenario. But this is not the case when you are in a loving relationship. You should be comfortable being yourself and feel accepted for who you are.
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Lack of Care for Your Partner’s Well-Being
In a relationship based on attachment, your focus is on yourself, your own needs, and how you feel within the relationship. This could result in a lack of respect, care, or consideration for your spouse and, sometimes, controlling behaviors.
On the contrary, love is all about the other person. It is a selfless emotion.
When you love your partner, you won’t feel the need to change them based on your personal expectations and standards.
You will accept their flaws, appreciate them wholly, and be invested in their growth and success as much as yours.
Key Takeaways
Love and attachment are two different things, although often confused as one. When you fall in love, your affection is focused on your partner. But in attachment, you will be more interested in yourself and what you gain from the relationship.
For many people, insecure attachment is an outcome of childhood experiences. It can influence your emotions and behaviors, preventing you from forming healthy romantic relationships.
Is it possible to overcome it and be in love? Yes, but it will need some work, typically involving self-exploration and help from an experienced therapist.
